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Being 19, and lost in life.

I'm lost.
I've been afraid to admit it, I've been acting as if I'm not.
It will not be visible to the casual observer, for it's only partially visible even to the people close to me.

No, I didn't take a wrong turn somewhere. Well, maybe a few. But this is about ending up at a junction where hundreds of roads branch off, and just not knowing which one to take. The result being that you buy enough groceries, put up a tent, and start living at the junction. You end up in a state of stasis, hoping things will figure themselves out. Hoping that without moving, you'll end up where you want to be. Oh, and 'where you want to be' is a fluid concept in itself. No one gets it, least of all you. I mean, sure, it's my problem and I understand that the situation is just different enough for each person to necessitate a unique solution, but for the sheer number of people whom I see stuck similarly, it's sure disappointing to not see a path.

What did you say? It's stupid of me to wait for things to happen without doing something myself? I should just take a step and not be afraid of it being the wrong one? No one's going to hand me an answer, and that I have to figure it out myself?
You must be a genius!



It's sound advice. It's the right advice.
In fact, it's absolutely right, AND it's completely useless.

 Why? Because each road has a gate with a lock blocking it, and you only have a couple of keys.
Here, I'll help you with the math. Hundreds of locks, a couple of keys. No time to try them all, because there's a clock ticking away. Sure, you got some time left on it, but not enough. 

What. Do. You. Do?

 I'd love to get lucky. See a pattern somewhere, or find that a key is colour coded. I don't mind the hard work if it's in a direction I want to go, but the thing is, it's like playing Deal-or-No-Deal with smoky glass containers: You have an idea of what may lie on the other side, but you can't be even reasonably sure, and yet you are asked to pick.
Pick. Pick. Choose. DO.

How many hours of how many days are whiled away by people trying to figure this out?
Time that should be spent doing, moving, living, is spent analysing, thinking, brooding.
Dying.


When I talk to my elders about this, I hear so many variations of this answer:


"Abhi to tum sirf 19 saal ke ho, beta. You're young, you can do anything. Just continue doing well at what you're doing, everything will figure itself out on it's own." Ergo, wait and see. Simultaneously, also do what needs to be done so that when you realize waiting doesn't work, you're not gonna be busted.
Another peg in a long line of unhelpful advice.

In short:
- I don't know what I want to do.
- I'm doing stuff to figure that out.
- I haven't found it yet.
- So I don't know "What to do" to get there, because 'there' is not defined.
- I'm pissed, and borderline despairing.
- I know Despair is the worst, because it prevents you from doing anything productive, but I can't help it. Everything blows.
 
And here I wait, procrastinating. But tomorrow, I'm definitely packing up my tent.
 

Comments

  1. Maneet Singh23 June 2013 at 22:23

    What ? What ? What ?
    Be an explorer and enjoy the fact that you are lost. ;) That is something you can do instantly to uplift your mood ! ;)
    I just read this somewhere yesterday, that when nothing is right, start pretending. Start pretending things make sense and start pretending that you know what you are doing and you'll end up being just fine ;)
    You probably just now banged your head against the wall, shouting "oh my godddd, another adviceee ! "
    Chadh yaar ! Put on full volume music and just take in the moment ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aditya Vikram Singh24 June 2013 at 01:01

    Kya baat kar di.
    Music is on now, I'm on my feet.
    ^_^
    And yes, head was banged. Softly. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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